And they came to Bethsaida. And they brought a blind man to Jesus and implored Him to touch him. Taking the blind man by the hand, He brought him out of the village; and after spitting on his eyes and laying His hands on him, He asked him, “Do you see anything?” And he looked up and said, “I see men, for I see them like trees, walking around.” Then again, He laid His hands on his eyes; and he looked intently and was restored, and began to see everything clearly. Mark 8:22-25
I am usually not one to blog on personal matters. Besides, blogging for many is a form of creativity. It the freedom to articulate the beauty of nature, art, thoughts, ideas, etc. At times, we may share moments that are sentimental and/or uplifting. For others, it is a platform for expression. However, some things we should hold near and dear and be careful not to air our dirty laundry all over the world-wide web.
But what if doing so may help someone? Someone who just may be in a similar situation. This notion is the primary reason I blog. To give voice to the voiceless. I welcome those who are hesitant to divulge their own fears to share in my experiences. I was however tempted not to share because of shame, vulnerability, fear, judgments, and an entire list of things the devil lies to us about.
Happily Ever After??
Have you ever found yourself in a situation that no matter how hard you tried to rationalize it, it just did not feel right? I’ve had moments like that in the past but it was more of those brief moments of blocked clarity. Those that you awaken from as soon as you know it doesn’t feel right.
But what about those times when it appears to feel right? When such a lapse in judgment becomes not only time consuming but almost life threatening. However blinding as it may have been behind those rose-colored glasses, we always have the best of intentions and want to believe in both the vision and the best possible outcomes.
It’s like being in a relationship with a person one minute and the two of you paint this picture in your minds. The result of this painting looks pretty good, almost the most beautiful picture you could imagine. But, no matter what, I always resolved to keep God at the center of the union. For I knew there was no us without Him.
What About Us?
We hit a period where all I could think is what will He have us do to get over these hard times. It seemed doable for the most part. Until somewhere down the line, it felt as though something interfered with the routine and life began to happen, as it should. Life consisted of not just our union and our future endeavors but also family. Children, parents, friends, all who needed us as much as we needed each other. At first, I just shrugged them off as minor hiccups that were all a part of the cleaving stage. If something came up and briefly shook the foundation, we were hopeful that it would all soon fall right back into place. Everything just felt right and was progressing according to plan.
One particular day, another something came up. This thing was supposed to soon be resolved as well. Be just another one of those things that came up. No worries, we got through it all before and everything would soon fall back into place again. But soon never came. I held on for as long as I could. Doing what I could on my end to appease the situation. You know, work through things. Put my big girl panties on, pray, get my hands dirty. My due diligence. Until my best wasn’t good enough. This is where it gets thorny. Everything that worked before, the glue that was always able to pull us back and hold us together no longer worked. At this point, like the man in Bethsaida everything appeared as trees. But it wasn’t God that no longer worked, He just had something else in mind.
He Still Moves Stones.
I continued to pray. So, what did Jesus ultimately do? He did what Jesus does. He loved me enough to put the clay on my eyes a second time so that my vision could become clearer. Then, I simply became horrified by what I began to see. I no longer even recognized who this person I fought tooth and nail with for the sake of our union was. It was like something fell off the shelf. Why? Because life could not be ignored? Because there were still aspects of us that continued to exist despite our union?
How do you tell the people who truly love you that you can no longer be who they need you to be in their lives? How do you tell your sick mom that you can no longer be a loving and compassionate daughter because your significant other is jealous? How do you tell your children that they can’t move back home and you simply must turn your back on them when they need you the most? You don’t! That’s how. The question for me was not so much as how to do such a thing but why would I and what kind of person would even expect me to consider it.
Then came the ultimatum. It’s either them OR him. Then I had to ask myself if he was really asking me to choose. Was living as a normal, balanced, healthy, and happy couple simply out of the question? Fortunately, it wasn’t long before I would get my answer, because he did indeed force me to choose. But that also wasn’t so much the part that shocked me the most. The part that shocked me was watching who this person became when I did not (per his standards) choose right.
This is where the suffering began. I began feeling extremely afraid. Afraid of staying as well as afraid to go. So, I stayed. I stayed longer than I should have stayed. This was during the time when Jesus did not give up on trying to get my eyes to open. Sad part is, that it was the more I did not like what I saw was more of a challenge. Not only was the person I almost vowed to share the rest of my life with someone I no longer recognized; he began exhibiting behaviors that overstepped my boundaries. Behaviors that if not for any other reason I usually would not be hesitant to get away from.
Vision Restored !
Then the reprehensible happened. He tried to make a move on my daughter. He dared to go to the ends of what I could never even conceive he would do. The very thing that I presumed to have always remained the most cautious of in my life. I’m talking the kinds of things you only see on The Jerry Springer Show. At first, I attempted to reason that there was no way this was happening to me. But by staying close to Jesus, my eyes eventually became fully opened. And to think this whole time I thought I was on top of it all. That I had everything already under control. My eyes were wide shut was a more appropriate analogy.
But I could NOT have done it without Jesus. His word, His grace, His love for me, His wisdom, His mercy, all the wonderful gifts He bestows upon me every day kept me. He kept me close to Him, so that when I almost was led astray by a wolf in sheep’s clothing He wiped the clay over my eyes. I got out. I left. I let go. Then I let God!
I was slowly but surely able to recover from the shock of it all because if I don’t ever do anything else, I will first and foremost consult Him and remain close to His word. I could not have survived without Him. So, when I tell you that I was hesitant to share this story, I mean it. Only being hopeful that it will help one person in a similar situation. I want to bear witness to that person that there is always a way out. Just stay strong, continue to have faith… even when think you have none left. Press on. Persevere. God has enough clay for everyone’s eyes.
So, now, after thirteen hundred words, I am no longer ashamed that I was hesitant to share this story, I’m ashamed that I was almost tempted not to.